Monetary Benefits of Being Lazy

We've talked in the past about the ultimate way to order a meal at a restaurant. The benefits are various and plentiful. There's another benefit we forgot to mention (or maybe we did. You go back and read the old post and tell me. I'm not gonna do it). A very important one at that. There's a monetary benefit too!

I bring this up because just yesterday I achieved Regular status at yet another eatery. This time at Jersey Mike's. I know I achieved the status because I got my first monetary kickback from them.

See, when you become a regular at an establishment, exact change becomes a thing of the past. If the meal costs $7.53, you give them 8$ and get 50 cents back. $8.56, give them $9 get 55 cents back.

Now I know what you're thinking, what happens if the price is $7.49? Do they only give you 50 cents back? Don't be retarded. In this scenario you DO get 51 cents back. A restaurant is never going to short a customer because they know you're just the kind of petty asshole to get angry over a lost penny. the general rule is, regulars don't get more than 1 or 2 pennies back as change. We're too awesome for pocketfuls of pennies. It's sort of an unspoken thanks for being a consistent customer.

I save 3 cents everytime I go to Chilis. And now I save 1 cent everytime I go to Jersey Mike's. A bit Jewish, yes. And that may not seem like a lot, but as I calculate that out ....over 200 pennies saved per year. That's 2 whole dollars. A couple extra dances at a strip club right there. Or half a gallon of gas.

The Dangers of Fast Food

Fast food can be dangerous. If you're from the coaly hills of West Virginia and borderline retarded, it's not just the deliciously fatty decadence that will get you.

Check this semi-old story out: McTard orders sandwich of death. Sadly survives. That's the title I would have used for the article.

For those too lazy to click the link, which I hope is most of you, allow me to summarize thusly: Some fool went to the drive through and ordered a cheeseburger, without the cheese (which is known as a hamburger to those sophisticates in the big city), and even though he claims to have had great difficulty ordering he didn't check the burger. Oh, no big deal right? Wrong. It's a pretty big deal if you turn out to be allergic to the cheese that is still on the burger. So McTard takes one bite and he's near death on his way to hospital. As my headline gave away, he survived to levy the inevitable "I'm stupid but you should be looking out for me" lawsuit.

Now, I touched on this briefly in a previous, massively entertaining post. I believe I phrased it something like "High likelihood that your order will be more fucked up than 3 year old after a shot of whisky." What I didn't mention was that such an ordering mistake could be fatal. My bad. I feel sort of responsible for all our readers out there who died because they couldn't check their food. I should have voiced a stonger warning. Ok, I don't really feel bad. Especially for this brazenly stupid fast food denizen. After all the guy probably can't read. Anyway, let me put a stronger warning out there now. DO NOT under any circumstances put in a a crazy order at the drive in. Just don't do it. If you want your sandwich with or without something non standard, walk your ass inside. Seriously. As unlazy as that sounds ordering at a drive thru can be dangerous business. It should NEVER be attempted when ordering non standard menu items. This goes triple, or quintuple or some other really large multiplier when you're ordering something that you're allergic to.

Also, if you're deathly allergic to something, you should probably look at your food pretty closely anyway. You never know.

Final note, take a look at the picture on that link. That's not the retard in question. That's the retard's lawyer. He looks like Ronald McDonald's illegitimate child. Maybe he's got a personal grudge in all this. Daddy always liked Grimace the best.

Pizza prices set to rocket?

One of the most convenient of home delivery foods, the wonderous pizza, could be about to see prices rise rapidly. According to yesterday's Observer there's a global dairy shortage that is causing cheese prices to rise rapidly and cheese makes up 40% of the cost of a pizza. According to the article in the US a pound of Mozarella has gone from $1.25 wholesale to $4!

This combined with a global rise in the price of wheat means that we could soon be seeing fairly hefty price hikes on our pizzas. Boo.

I have transcended ordering

We've blogged in the past about the proper way to order food and about the process of becoming a regular. Now the subject must be revisited as I have crossed the threshold into a new phase of human laziness. My powers of laziness have reached their pinnacle. I am the Kwisatz Haderach of laziness. I'm also a giant nerd for referencing that in my blog.

So what happened to me today that led to my ascension? Well, it happened like this: I'm calling in to a local restaurant to get some take out for lunch. Now, I've called in to this restaurant a bunch of times, but this is the first time I've called in in about 3 weeks. So I start placing my order in my usual efficient fashion when the guy on the phone interrupts me and says, "Is this that motha fuckin' pimp, gangsta D?" I replied in the affirmative and the guy says, "See you when you get here."

That's right they recognized my voice. Over the telephone. After 3+ weeks of not going to this place. And they hooked up my order, even remembering the way to cook the meat. I'm at or at the very least, incredibly close to the pinnacle of lazy ordering. I don't know how I could have applied less effort for lunch today. The number of the restaurant is stored in my phone and I didn't even have to finish speaking to put my order in. I guess they could have delivered it too, but it was actually nice to get out of my crap hole office and scream at the shitty drivers on the road.

I guess there's only one thing left to try for a living god....Next time I'll try ordering telepathically.

Be a Regular

Readers, I am ashamed. With all this talk of getting your orders quickly and efficiently I forgot the laziest and best way. Become a regular at an establishment, preferably a small independent one where the owners or same small group of staff are working every day and soon you will get to hear these two beautiful words.

"Your usual?" *HALLELUJAH*

It doesn't matter how complex or idiosynchratic your order is, once it is your usual it is reproduced the same every day without any need to say anything other than "Yes please." Sure, you have to have exactly the same thing every day but you are a valued regular customer and treated as such. I was reminded of the power of being a regular this very morning. We have a nice little independent coffee shop on my way to work. It's run by a very nice Turkish couple. Anyway, I've been stopping in there for a cappuccino every day for the last week. It's damn tasty coffee and I need it in the mornings at the moment, plus I have to literally walk past it.

Today for the first time I had the *HALLELUJAH* moment. He knew what I wanted when he saw me coming and he was starting to make it as I walked through the door. He still asked me whether I wanted chocolate sprinkles (yes) or sugar (no) but he'll learn that too. He's also learnt that in the morning I am incapable of any sensible conversation about whatever crap is on the local radio and has given up on the small talk. I feel a bit bad, he's a nice guy, but it's not my fault I genuinely can't talk coherently in the mornings.

I can't compete with my little brother though. He was once so well known at our local chip shop that on one occasion, when my mum went to order fish and chips for the family, she was told by the proprietoress when she ordered my brother's usual (quarter pounder burger) that "he's already been in today". Yes, he was such a regular that any member of his family could order his usual for him, and not only that but the nice fast food lady was concerned for his health.

So if you are lazy, support your local independent establishments, not because of some anti-globalisation bullshit, but because they'll go out of their way to remember what you eat or drink and do things that make your life easier. This works in bars, coffee places, fast food outlets, anywhere the people working the counter have their livelyhood utterly dependent on the business succeeding.

Fast Food Intricacies

Here at LazyView, we love fast food. Because it's fast(ish) and we don't have to make it. Unfortunately, sometimes fast food isn't easy as it should be. Most times it's because of the people behind the counter. Other times it's because people don't know how to properly order. Now I have a great bond with those people behind the counter, they're almost certainly lazy as hell. Let's face it, 95% of people don't work at fast food restaurants because of the great career opportunities.

Not that they aren't fine people mind you. No. Quite the opposite. They're just out there looking for some money with the least possible effort. We here at LazyView wholeheartedly support that.

No, I'm here to talk about ordering. As Mikey Mike and the Funky Bunch alluded to in an earlier post, ordering at a fast food place can be tricky. Luckily for you, I'm here to help. After all my years, and my 3 heart attacks, ordering at Bojangle's, I've finally figured out that there are two distinct Fast Food Ordering Methods. One for the drive through, and one for inside the restaurant. Using both of these will allow both parties to maintain maximum laziness, with minimal work, resulting in maximum efficiency.

FFOM 1: Interior Restuarant Method.
Pros: Higher likelihood of a correct order. Exercise. People watching.
Cons: Have to get out of car. Have to be around other people. No car radio. Slower.
Methodology: This is the method discovered by my platitudinous colleague entirely by accident while this advanced theory was under development. The problem is, when people are face to face, they automatically expect some form of structure conversation. Look at the following example where you and your homie enter a Bojangle's for some fine Southern nourishment (and possible heart and bowel problems):

Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "Hi. This for here or to go?"
You: "For here."
Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "What can I get you?"
You: "I need a filet biscuit combo."
Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "French Fries and Ice Tea?"
You: "Yeah"
Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "Anything else?"
You: "Yeah. Can I get an extra order of fries."
Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "Is that it?"
You: "No. I also need a quarter white."
Employee of Doom (and Laziness): "What sides?"

And so on and so forth. See? It's not an order. It's a legitimate conversation. If for no other reason that the make up of the human psychology. When you're face to face with a person you're on a level playing field and things like eye contact and body language come in to play and the full complexity of human interaction is on display. Even when you're just trying to stuff your face with some greasy shitfood. There's no magic to it. And there's no way around it.

FFOM 2: Drive Thru
Pros: Usually faster. In car entertainment to fill waiting times.
Cons: Planet raping (possibly a pro) via carbon monoxide emissions. Only one line, so it CAN also be slow. High likelihood that your order will be more fucked up than 3 year old after a shot of whisky.
Methodology: This method of ordering offers a completely streamlined experience. Since you're talking to an inanimate speaker there's no need for eye contact or those natural conversational pauses that normally occur when two people face off. There's no give and take in the conversation. The people manning the register on the other side of this speaker are trained to keep listening until you stop talking so fire away with your complete order, only pausing between complete sets of food. For example, you and your dogg are ordering at a Bojangle's drive thru.

Speaker of Doom (and Static): "Welco to Bojangle's. Can help oo?"
You: "Can I get a filet biscuit combo, French fries, Ice Tea, and an extra order of fries?"
Speaker of Doom (and Static): "Will tha be al?"
You: "I also need a quarter white, 2 biscuits with jelly, Ice Tea, and some Bo Rounds."
Speaker of Doom (and Static): "Th'll be nine sixty plurh. Pull round."

Pure speed right there. I love it. Plus I don't have to stand in line. I can sit on my ever expanding ass and listen to Earth, Wind, and Fire...I mean TI. Assuming Consuela and her microphone picked up everything you said, you're golden. I can't stress it enough...Do not wait for Consuela to confirm any part of your order. You will start talking over each other and things will get strange and awkward from there. You further increase your chances of a fucked up order and you may even end up on a date with Consuela. Consuela is not pretty. Trust me.

Conclusion
Both methods have their merits. You just have to know what you're getting in to. If you go into a restaurant you have to use method 1. Ty method 2 and you'll end up like poor Mikey. Repeating yourself like a parrot with a stutter. When speaking face to face people don't like to be ordered around, even though that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing. They like to spoken to like human beings. Not inanimate objects. Damn them all to hell.

Ordering at Subway

Let me set the scene. I'm going out for the evening and I don't have much time to get dinner once I get home so I decide to stop in Subway and get something. It's in the station, I have to walk past it anyway and it's absolutely the lowest effort solution available. I've got no time to consider trying something new, so I'll play it safe and get something I know and love. I want a Chipotle Steak and Cheese 12 inch on brown with all the salad stuff except onions, and I want to go up to the counter and order exactly that. Can I do that? No.

I will normally get as far as: "Can I have a Southwest Steak and Cheese 12 inch on brown..." before I'm stopped "12 inch?" "Yes.." "and what bread would you like?" "... brown ...". Normally at this point they go off and stick the little cardboard cartons of steak in the microwave, so you'd think that means they know what I've ordered. The next question blows this idea out of the water though. "Would you like cheese?" Would I like cheese? Would I like cheese on my Steak and Cheese sub? Hmm. Let me think. You know what? I think that it may actually enhance my Steak and Cheese sub to have some cheese on it! What a wonderful suggestion! Thank you, yes, please, I'd love some cheese.

I didn't actually realise how much these preliminary things were annoying me up until this point, because we now come to the bit that I started this post to talk about. The salad. What salady things do I want? Everything except onions. Everything because I'm a greedy bastard, no onions because I'm going out and I don't want to stink. If I wasn't going out I'd have the onions too. Sometimes it's all too much hassle and I just have the damn onions.

For those of you not familiar with Subway there are normally 8 'salad' items. Lettuce, Cucumber, Tomato, Green Pepper, Jalapenos, Olives, Pickles and Onions. Now comes the tricky part. Depending on which Subway you are in or who is serving you these things may or may not be all categorised as salad, you could be asked about all salad and then the pickles, olives etc. What I want is everything except onions remember? So it normally goes like this "Any salad?" "Yes, can I have everything except onions please." *servers hand reaches out for the onions* "No, everything else, no onions." "No onions?" I admit sometimes the server is not speaking English as their first language which doesn't help. The absolute worst case scenario has ended up with the server hovering their hand over each item for me to either nod or shake my head to.

There must be a better, lazier way to get what I want. I remembered recently that a friend of mine used to work in Burger King, she said that when she went to Burger King as a customer she used to order stuff in the order that the server had to enter the order into the computer to speed things up. So at this point I am starting to think that the lazy option might actually be not to express my subway order in as few words as possible but to start ordering in the way the server is expecting. This is the way I am going to order in future:


"Can I help you sir?" "Yes, can I have a steak 12 inch on brown please?"
"Would you like cheese?" "Yes please."
"Any salad?" "Lettuce, Tomato, Green Pepper and Cucumber please"
"Pickles, olives, jalapenos?" "Can I have, pickles, olives and jalapenos please."
"Any sauce?" "Southwest Sauce"