Story Time

Today I'm going to tell you all a little story. It's an adventurous tale starring a hunky hero of the people. A man's man named D. That's right, I'm the hero! This harrowing tale starts as so many of my tales do, me drinking with my two pals Fathead and Joe the Jew. Don't worry, he's just cheap. He's not actually Jewish so I'm not being offensive. Or is that more offensive? I don't care, you're all assholes anyway.

So, it's my birthday earlier this very year. My gang and I are drinking and we decide to go down to a bar/club called the Longbranch. As some of you might guess this place is known to bring in the redneck clientele. We had a non-redneck purpose for going there, even though Joe the Jew is a bit of a redneck. We're going because a band is playing there called Chairman of the Board. And wherever they play, the women are sure to flock. So we drive 20 minutes down to the 'Branch and go inside and begin the heavy drinking (heavy drinking is classified as no fewer than 3 drinks of any kind in a 1 hour period). Apparently my reputation as a world renowned ladies man had preceded me, and no women will talk to me. They will look at me scornfully and occasionally with pity, but alas I am left in the cold with only my sweet, precious alcohol and my burning rage to comfort me. It's hard out here for a pimp. And for fat, ugly losers like me. So after about 3 hours of looking like a fool and drinking heavily the band finished up and we left. At this point we had 2 problems. #1) We were far too drunk to drive. And #2) We were hungry.

To remedy #2 we did the manly thing and went hunting! No, not the redneck hunting. The walk across the street hunting for Taco Bell or something suitably gross for late night consumption. So we're crossing the street and for some reason the need arises to run across the 5 lane road blocking our path. I break into my breathtakingly agile and graceful stride. Gliding across the road like a overweight gazelle with 2 bad knees and a severely inebriated equilibrium. Upon reaching the other side we continue manfully striding down the road until I reach for my hip, and I feel something missing! Is it my keys? My weed stash? Am I trying to cop a feel off myself to replace the action I missed out on? No. It's my cellphone. It's gone! Where could it be? Did I drop it inside the 'Branch? If so, I'm fucked. That thing is gone and the bar is closed. Is it in the grass between the bar and road? Maybe, but how the hell am I going to find it in a big field in the middle of the night?

"Shit," I say to my two comrades. "I lost my fucking phone. I have to go back and look for it." They don't care because they're my friends and, like most people, they don't like me very much. So I begin retracing my steps. I recross the road and begin looking in the grass on the side of this shockingly busy for 3am road.

Suddenly, my spider sense begins tingling. Yes, I do have to piss I tell myself, but we can't stop the search......As my head cranes up, back across the road to my intrepid brothers of the beer, a green car goes racing by....What's that I see there in the road? Is that...could it be? It's a small black rectangle. It sure looks like it might....*SMCRASH* is the sound the green car makes rolling over the black rectangle. The tiny shape flies up into the air and comes flopping back down to earth. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Is my cry as I run out into the street to confirm my fears. Yes. It was my phone. Happy fucking birthday to me. I collect the pieces of my phone and walk, dejectedly, to a bench where an overly pleased Fathead and the Jew laugh until they can laugh no more.

We call a cab, not using my phone obviously, and as we sit on the bench I work on my phone. The cab arrives and Joe the Jew forces the Congolese driver to take us through a McDonald's drive-thru. Hearty laughter is all my faithful friends can muster as support while I attempt repairs. I am not hungry. But as we roll down the road, a flicker of hope dimly glows on this dreary night. The phone powers up. Will it work? Yes, it will. And it still works to this day.