Thursday, May 29, 2008

Monkeys control robot arm with their brains

This is just awesome. The era of the cyborg is upon us. Those crazy scientist folk have inserted probes into a monkey brain and got them to control a robotic arm.

I reckon this means that within months we'll have Stephen Hawking's brain embedded in a fully robotic moving life support system much like the drug crazed psycho who gets transformed into RoboCop 2 in the film of the same name. Or the robotic Richard Nixon from Futurama.

The prospects for the lazy are brilliant. Imagine having actual workable arms and legs that you could control just with your own brain. You could actually lift yourself up off the sofa and go and do something. Yeah, ok I have that already but these would be robot legs and arms which is better!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Late night snack

Have you ever been drunk before? Have you ever been hungry before? Have you ever been drunk and hungry at the same time and far away from home? I bet you have. I know the sad losers that read this blog are big, fat, sad losers just like me. And if you're like me you've been drunk. And hungry. And far away from home. Probably left there by your "friends" who were hoping to ditch you in the black part of town at 2:30 in the morning.

Well what's a lazy bastard to do in such a situation? You can count on me to tell you!

Oh, I should actually say something now, right? Here's what the lazy person should do. First, make sure your Glock 40 is loaded. Second, get a cab. Third, tell that Nigerian behind the wheel to go to McDonald's late night drive thru (yes. You heard me. McDonald's. Drunk and late at night, Mickey D's is the place to be). Yeah, that's right. Take a cab to the drive thru. It's great. Unless the cabbie tries to order food for himself and make you pay for it. I'm pretty sure you're legally obligated to skip the fare if he does that.

Really, the only reason why I take a cab is A) Because I'm lazy and B) Because late at night they really frown on people walking through the drive thru. Yes I know that from first hand experience, too.

As a related aside, I recently heard that, thanks to McDonald's, China got their first ever drive thru. EVER! In the whole country! And hilariousness has ensued! So I would like to welcome China to the international brotherhood of eating in your car and spilling ketchup on your pants. Welcome, my brothers. Welcome.

Monday, May 19, 2008

A nice pint of lager

Like a lovely cold pint of lager on a hot summers day it was refreshing to read this piece in the Guardian about how we are (finally) getting access to really nice lagers in
English pubs. It's true, and it's about time. I was fed up of returning from Europe, or even New Zealand, after a nice holiday drinking lovely tasty lagers and then ending up in a pub in England and having to choose between Fosters or Kronenberg. That said, if you're buying, I don't really mind either way.

It was especially good seeing this today as everyone is mostly talking about the new government campaign telling us we all drink too much and are about to drop dead of alcohol related heart disease. Yay!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sloths aren't lazy, or are they?

Sorry for all the link to news story type posts this week. What do you expect, me to actually put some effort into composing some hilarious prose for you? And at least there are some posts, unlike previous months.

Anyway Scientists have discovered that sloths aren't lazy, they are just slow. They say they aren't lazy, because they only sleep for 9.6 hours a day. That seems quite a lot to me! Is that really a measure of laziness though? How much you sleep?

The same survey also shows that pythons sleep for an impressive 18 hours a day. I've definitely got some respect for a python as a lazy animal. Every few days they have to hunt, which is lazy enough in itself. They just lie camouflaged and wait for a rodent to walk past. Then they just spend a few days sleeping and digesting. Easy. They are even too lazy to warm their own blood.

I think my favourite lazy animal is still the male lion though. He basically sleeps all day whilst his women look after the kids and go hunting for his food for him. Sure he has to fight off young pretenders now and again but other than that, brilliant. Plus they look cool.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Getting your priorities right.

Australian police have fined a man for failing to ensure that a child was wearing a seatbelt in his car. He did make sure his carton of beer was well secured though.

He obviously didn't give a XXXX about the child's safety.

Has the child been taken into Fosters care?

Perhaps he was a VB programmer. Er. That doesn't work does it.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Yeah! That'll teach them!

"Those idiots from the road tax put a clamp on my car? Well, I'll cut the car in half!"

"That'll show those jumped up little jobsworths! HA!"

But.. now your car is cut in half? What exactly did it prove to anyone? That you're a bit of a psycho?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


"Third of staff 'hungover at desk'" is the headline but, of course, the headline is misleading. It's not that 1/3 of staff are hungover at their desks every day! No, surprisingly the story is that a mere 1/3 of workers have ever been hungover at their desks. That's what they are saying. Only 1/3 of people have come into work with a hangover at some point? Or should I say, only 1/3 of people said to the survey makers that they'd ever come into work with a hangover.

What's even more surprising about this result, from what is obviously a nation of liars, is that apparently only 35% of them felt it made them less productive!

Anyway this is a totally pointless survey, or at least the aspects of it reported by the BBC are totally pointless, because it doesn't specify how many times people have been hungover at work. It makes no distinction between people who might have only done it once or twice to people who might arrive at work hungover 3 or 4 times a week.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Too Fat to Outrun the Long Arm of the Law

And not only that, he's too fat to fit in the courthouse as well. Let's not rush to judgement people. Maybe it's an old timey courthouse from the 1920s that has small doors? After all, in the old days fat babies were left in the cold to die with the rest of the deformed freaks. Fat people really weren't invented until 1965 when fast food and the remote control began the expansion of their respective empires. Then when polyester spandex and disco exploded in the 70s fat people were forced into hiding until looser clothing once again became the norm. These days, in the world of anything goes fashion, fat people can roam (at a leisurely pace) free.

Maybe he need to use the double doors but one of the doors was broken? Look, all I'm saying is I'm not going to pass judgement on this 500 pound fat tub of goo. There's a lot of reason why a man of greater than average mass would have to be arraigned in a parking lot.

Oh who am I kidding? You know me. I'm passing judgement like a mother fucker. If you're too fat to fit in a god damn building we need to you leave in the pasture with the other cows. And why commit a crime if you weigh 500 pounds? I'm pretty sure someone is going to SEE you commit your crime. You're not exactly inconspicuous. Despite that Chris Farley movie, I've never actually seen a fat ninja so you're not sneaking away.

Also, I bet the police totally had to daisy chain the handcuffs so they could cuff his arms behind his back. they only have to do that with really fat people. It's kinda like how fat people on airplanes have to use multiple seat belts to strap in. Hilarious and awkward at the same time. I love it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Election Day!

It's local elections in the UK today, including the London mayoral elections. A few years ago the government decide to allowed people to vote by post. It'd always been possible for people living overseas etc. but nowadays anyone can opt to vote by post. Which is great. Getting down to the polling station before or after work on a Thursday can be a bit of a pain and you normally have to queue with everyone else who's going before or after work. The postal vote is really easy. They send you a voting slip, a couple of envelopes you have to put inside each other and you post it back to them prepaid.

Of course, it does mean you can have widespread election fraud. But I think that's a small price to pay.