Christmas Shopping the Lazy Way

I was punished yesterday for being not lazy. That's right, not only is being lazy easier and more enjoyable than working hard but working hard is no guarantee of success. Sometimes hard work just results in nothing more than some planet raping, wasted time, and frustration. If I'm going to experience all that I'd rather be at home getting rejected by women on Match.com. At least then I won't have people staring at me when I start crying.

The mistake I made was simple, yet grave. I went out Christmas shopping.

Let me make this clear people, you need to do ALL your Christmas shopping online. At least to start with. You may not buy anything online, but initial shopping and research is invaluable. You can check prices, compare prices at competing stores, check availability, find store locations, and yes...even buy things.

I did not do this. End result: Me driving 60 miles round trip (that's almost $10 worth of gas, I feel like Al Gore is watching me now), visiting 2 stores and a mall and not buying a single god damn present. However, I did see a fat guy huffing his lonely way through the mall parking lot in mismatched sweat pants and shirt. That made me laugh until I realized that in 5 years I would be that guy. That left me depressed.

Look at it this way. The worst thing that can happen is you learn what stores not to go to. That's still results in time and effort savings for you. Plus, you lessen your chances of having to shoot someone in a parking lot over a parking space. One more incident like that and I'm going to jail for a long time. The next time a mother fucker pulls through a space I'm trying to park in, just so he can face forward, he'd better duck because I'm throwing shots his way.

Best case scenario, you buy all your shit online and surf pr0n in another window. Nothing quite like pantless Christmas shopping. And that's something only the Internet and laziness can give you.