A hero and a horror story.

The story summary according to Wikipedia:

"Mr. Lazy is lazy, he lives in Sleepyland, where there are only four hours a day, as opposed to 24, and it takes two regular hours for water to boil and three regular hours for bread to toast. One day, Mr. Lazy sits down for a nap, and is awoken by Mr. Busy and Mr. Bustle. They overwork him, until Mr. Bustle blows a whistle, requiring Mr. Lazy to run as fast as he can. Mr. Lazy runs, but his legs don't get him anywhere because he is sitting on a chair in the garden. He wakes up to realize it was all a dream, and the whistle was the kettle boiling in the kitchen. He sits down to have breakfast, and the dream really happens."

Can you believe they let kids read this stuff? What a horrifying ordeal for the poor chap.

Battery Revolution

Who out there is tired of charging your phone after making 4 calls to the phone sex hotline? Tired of barely being able to watch a single movie on your laptop on the plane? Tired of lugging a damn charger with you every time you travel more than 5 hours from home?

Someone out there has finally figured out a way to make it all better. And they're not using alcohol and empty promises.

See batteries are one of those sneaky lazy technologies. The Lazy Enablers I call them. They don't really make life any easier on their own, but take anything powered by batteries, imagine a power plug on it, and see how annoying your life becomes. Cell and cordless phones? Useless. Laptops? Useless (although lighter). Remote controls? Really useless (although harder to lose in couch cushions).

How are these super batteries begin made? They're made by using special nanotubes grown directly on the blah-de blah-de blah, and now by brain hurts. Let me break it down for you, they're using magic. That's what this nanotechnology stuff is. Magic. And it's awesome. It can make everything lighter, faster, stronger, better, etc. Soon it will be popping up in spam e-mails for a nanocream for your cock. M4ke ur grrl SATISFIED!111!!

This is going to result in 2 things 1) Super Expensive batteries and 2) better robots. My sex robot won't need to be recharged for 40 hours. That should be good for 1600 uses according to my calculations. Bring forth battery revolution I say!

"It seems you're feeling a bit stressed, can I help?"

You might have thought the Paperclip in MS Office was annoying. Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Microsoft are developing software to help companies spy on their employees says The Times

My favourite bit of the article is this:

The system could also “automatically detect frustration or stress in the user” and “offer and provide assistance accordingly”.

You can imagine it can't you.

"It seems you're feeling a bit stressed, can I help?"

"YES FUCK OFF!"

"It seems you're feeling a bit angry, try taking some deep breaths!"

"ARGH! FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD THING! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

You can see the numbers of Falling Down style meltdowns going through the roof. Obviously at LazyView we abhor the concept of this software, and hope it dies a horrible death. Much like all those office workers of the future will if it goes ahead.

Darts

So, it turns out darts is actually quite hard work. You have to stand up for a long time, walk to and from the dart board to collect your darts. That's over 4.5 metres of walking for every throw. Plus you have to actually throw the darts. And rearrange the entire house to find somewhere to put the dartboard. And drill holes in the wall.

I think I'm going to develop sitting down darts. It'll catch on very quickly. And some kind of sticky tape dart board fastening.

Hey Mexicans

Get the fuck out of the left lane on the highway.

I know you don't speak English and probably don't have a driver's license or insurance, but just get the fuck out of the left lane if you have to drive 5 miles an hour under the speed limit.

New Years Resolution - Get fit

This year, as I'm sure many millions of people did, I decided that the new year would be a good time to get myself fit. With that in mind, I think taking up a sport would be a really good idea. I wasn't sure what, but then inspiration came to me.

LETS PLAY DARTS!

I was watching the BDO World Darts championship from the Lakeside and it occurred to me that darts would be the perfect sport to take up. We're having a pretty wet and miserable winter (unusual for the UK) and with Darts you don't need to leave the house, it's cheap and sociable, you don't get tired or sore, and you can get drunk whilst you're playing. The only thing better would be if you could get a pool table in the house. And whilst I did find some that stack vertically, they are a bit pricy.

So, whilst we're in the shop getting the Sky+ remote I talked about yesterday, we're going to pick up a dart board. I'll be fit in no time.

I will have to do a small amount of drilling in the basement to put the board up, but I think it's a small price to pay. My girlfriend also said that if we got a dart board then her mother came to visit she'd spend all her time in the basement playing darts whenever she came to visit. I just want to go on the record and say that didn't contribute to my keenness to get a board, not in the slightest.

Unwritten Rules of Laziness

Actually, almost all the rules of being lazy are unwritten because no one wants to make the effort to write them down. Well, I'm going to start writing some of them down because I'm an attention whore and I want people to read what I write even if it doesn't make any sense. Also I hate working and blogging is slightly better than work.

Rule #18
Don't volunteer for anything.

Really obvious rule, but then again it took mankind a few thousand years to chisel down Thou Shalt Not Steal so even the obvious needs recording. Mankind is, afterall, generally retarded.

Volunteering for anything is asking for more work to do. It doesn't get any un-lazier than that. Would you ever go to your boss and say, "Hey shithead? Can you give me more projects to code and documents to write?"? No. You wouldn't. Unless you were a brownnosing suckup who kisses ass in their spare time.

Furthermore, always remember that any time anyone asks for volunteers it's a big time warning sign that the task at hand is shitty. The task is so shitty they feel guilty even thinking about making someone do it so they want some idiot to volunteer for it to make them feel better. Don't fall for that. They should feel terrible. Make them order you to do it. That way everyone is pissed off at each other and the natural balance of the world is maintained.

Mike has pointed this out. If you're volunteering for something with the idea of getting a reward down the road, you're playing a dangerous game. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Friends help each so often anyway, volunteering to help them will get you no where. They'll help you because you're friends. And you'll help them for the same reason. As for strangers, well, they're strangers for a reason. So fuck them. They'll probably never pay you back.

Remote Laziness

Or the continuation of my love affair with Sky+.

Over Christmas my girlfriend bought me a TV Link, a handy bit of kit that allows you to connect your Sky+ box to another TV via an RF cable. Well, you can do that anyway, it has two RF out sockets. What this clever little gadget does is gives you another IR sensor that you can put in the room with your second TV, so that you can control your Sky+ box from a remote in the other room. Brilliant. I probably didn't explain it very well but the upshot is that we can now not only watch TV from our Sky box in the bedroom but also change the channel, fast forward the adverts on shows we've recorded etc.

Now on a Sunday morning I can watch Match of the Day, that I recorded the night before, without having to get up, go downstairs and set it playing. Which means there's probably a lot more chance that I'll actually watch it. I expect that'll make my girlfriend very happy.

Anyway, it's all brilliant but because we only have one remote control, it's always in the wrong room. I've practically taken to carrying it around with me. This weekend we will purchase a second remote then finally it'll be TV heaven.

Until we disagree about what we want to watch and sit in different rooms battling with the rival remotes.

Hey Truck Drivers

Fuck you.

Public Service Announcement

This isn't about being lazy. This is serious shit, but not quite as serious as being lazy. I'm sending this out as warning to all our readers, especially to our New York readers. New York City is the front line of a new and dangerous battle. Worse than the war on terrorism. Worse than the war on drugs. Worse than the recall against toxic toys made in China. New York City is under attack by....NINJAS! It's possible this is just one Ninja, as they all look the same and wear gloves, thereby leaving identification evidence hard to find. In any case, this is a dangerous situation. One Ninja is a match for like 600 cops in a fair fight, and this Ninja isn't fighting fair. If it's a team of Ninjas...well...I don't even want to think about that.

Last week we had lazy technology turning on us, now Ninjas. This truly is the end of days. My friends, this is a world in which mankind cannot survive. Forget I Am Legend. Vampires are nothing. Will Smith wouldn't last 5 minutes if elevators and Ninjas decided to fuck him up. Our only hope is to release either A) Pirates or B) Robots or C) Robot Pirates to battle the rogue Ninja(s). New york City may be just the beginning. We all need to be aware and be vigilant. Personally, I'm going into the bomb shelter when I get home and I'm going to properly stretch out so I can kiss my ass goodbye.

Lazy is a dangerous business

Being lazy is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes it can be dangerous. To be professionally lazy you've got to know not only your own limits, but the limits of the environment around you as well.

Here we find a horrifying tale about two people who are clearly not professionally lazy. they tried to be lazy and take the elevator as they should, but they ignored a greater power of laziness. Who the fuck works on the holidays? This is God's punishment for not respecting Christmas and being lazy at home. You get stuck in an elevator and almost die. Respect thy Lord or He shall breaketh a holy booteth offeth in thy asseth. God rewards those who are truly lazy.

It's quite alarming when lazy technology works against mankind but it does happen. One day the god damn elevators of the world are going to turn against us and we're going to be fucked. The world will revert to 1 and two story buildings and cities will sprawl uncontrollably and the environment will be overrun and talking monkey's will rise.

Now that Al Gore is panicking and preparing an anti-elevator documentary, I have many questions about the linked story. How tall was the building? How tall was Beata Bartoszewicz? Was cannibalism ever considered? Was the elevator covered in human waste? Were they holding each other tenderly, about to make creepy, incestuous love for one last thrill before the end? What the hell is up with the name Beata Bartoszewicz? Is she hot? What color panties was she wearing? Are my underwear clean today? Am I wearing underwear today? Why does my appendix hurt?

Of course they'll probably sue somebody and the company will be forced to put up a sign near the elevator that says "In case of holiday, use stairs."

Happy New Year!

Well, we're back, lazy as ever. I couldn't be bothered to make any New Years Resolutions. If I was going to, I could have made one to try make sure we hit our blog posting targets this year, but I think we've basically decided that they are unrealistic and decided to scrap them. Woo!

Instead my resolution is to work out a way to win the lottery without actually playing it. I can't be bothered buying tickets because I understand the odds and know that you'd be just as likely to get rich by sending your money to us at LazyView to spend on beer... actually, if anyone wants to send us a few pounds a week for us to waste rather than giving Camelot (for international readers that's the company that runs that UK lottery) your hard earned cash, please feel free. We promise we'll tell you what kind of beer we bought with it, where we drunk it, and what stupid stuff we did when drunk. That's value for money. Or if you are too lazy to check your own lottery tickets, send them to us and we'll check them for you. You won't have won anything, so no need to include a return address.